My body

How's that for a potentially provocative title? ;)

A post on kickrunners.com piqued my interest. It was about an editor from some parenting magazine (one I've never heard of, possibly a British publication) who has sparked controversy by declaring that she finds breastfeeding creepy. One of her main reasons, apparently, was purely aesthetic; she wanted her breasts to recover from pregnancy sooner and be their perky selves again. Or something to that effect.

One of the posts on kickrunners was poignantly written. It described all the things a woman's body can do. That's what got me thinking.

I often feel betrayed by my body. One of the things I wish for most is a child, and it's been that way for decades. In my teens and twenties, I thought I'd be completely done with childbearing by the age of 30. I'd have two or three perfect little ones (at least one boy and one girl), plus a dog, a white picket fence, yadda yadda yadda.

Now 43, I haven't even started. All I have is one failed pregnancy, a miscarriage at 10 1/2 weeks. And instead, my body twists and contorts and cramps and bleeds and spasms month after month. The cramps. Oh, the cramps! Two months ago I called my doctor in tears, begging for a hysterectomy, that's how bad the cramps are. This morning I collapsed on the sofa for nearly two hours, waiting for my beloved Advil to kick in.

So yes, I feel betrayed by my body. It does this to me month after month, but it won't do the one thing I really want it to. It hardly seems fair.

The post on kickrunners, though, made me reconsider. Instead of beating up my body, I should praise it. Love it. Nourish it.

Celebrate it for all it CAN do.

It can run. Jump. Laugh, smile, and cry. It can carry me for hours. It can bike, swim, do aerobics, build muscle, and stretch. It can kiss and hug loved ones. It can see, hear, smell, taste, and touch. It can dance. Poorly. :) It can sing. Even more poorly! It can walk hand in hand. It can lift. It can tell jokes, listen, push, pull, duck, hit, kick, tickle, be tickled, and dodge. It can snuggle. It can pet. Cheer. Travel to far-away places both physical and mental. It can serve, bump, set, spike, and block. It can feed itself, dress itself, and tie its shoes. It can pray or meditate. It can nurture. Comfort. It can read. It can think. It can learn.

Most importantly, it can love.

Race Report

Saturday was the Parvin State Park sprint triathlon, my first race of the season. I signed up at the urging of three friends so we could all race together.

Race day was scheduled to be hot hot hot, but luckily with an 8 a.m. start time we'd be done before the scorching sun really started to bake everything below it. We carpooled (two cars, unfortunately, because of our bikes) and got to the race site with plenty of time to spare.

Three of us were in wave 3, and our fourth friend M (the fastest and youngest of the bunch) was 3 minutes behind us in wave 4. My goal was to stave her off for as long as possible on the bike. The swim was fine, except for the hundreds of green Milkdud-sized goobies (I don't know what else to call them!) that were floating around. As we waited for our wave to start, I asked my friend J what they were. "Goose poop," she calmly replied. I knew she was joking, but I couldn't get that image out of my head for the whole swim. I could feel them pummelling my hands as I swam, and I wasted a whole lot of mental and physical effort making sure my mouth was CLAMPED closed while I swam.

I was disappointed with my swim time. My official time was 10:03, but that includes running from the water to the mat. I was hoping for right around 9 minutes, but I think my actual swim time by my watch was 9:20 - 9:30ish. Because I saw others doing it, I made the mistake of standing and trying to run out of the water a little too early. I would have saved a few seconds if I'd kept swimming a bit longer.

Lesson 1 - keep swimming as long as you can. Don't worry about the people ahead of you and what they're doing.

T1 was fast (I rock in transitions), and I was off on the bike! I had seen my friend D as I exited transition, so now I had a secondary goal -- stave her off as long as possible too, since I know she's a stronger runner than I am AND she's in my age group. I had maybe a minute to 90 second advantage over her as I started the bike.

About 4 miles into the bike, M passed me. Drat, I was hoping to hold her off a while longer. 2.5 miles later, D passed me. Double drat! But at least it took her more than 6 miles to catch up to me. I started being more aggressive in my gearing to make up time, and I kept D in my sights as long as I could.

10 miles into the bike course, J passed me. Great. I was first out of the water of the four of us, but last off the bike. WTF??? Bike time was 38:27, nearly 19 mph average.

Lesson 2 - spend more time on bike training.

T2 was even faster than T1, and I started the run. Even IronEx, who was there to cheer us on and pay close attention to M, who hired him as her coach, was impressed by my transition time and how strong I looked as I started the run. As always, I started too fast. And as always, I felt as though I were going so s l o w l y compared to my bike speed. There were no mile markers on the run -- it was on trails in a state park -- so I had no clue how fast I was going. I just kept on going.

Lesson 3 - it's kinda nice to not be a slave to my watch. I should try that more often.

Pretty soon, I could hear the finish line. Yay! I tried to just hold on to my pace, and within a few minutes I turned the corner to the grassy finish area. I heard M yell my name, and I crossed the line at 1:15:40. Run time 24:13.

My time was good enough for 3rd in my age group. My friend D was 1st. (Congrats to her!!!)

Overall I'm pleased. My training has been VERY unfocused for several months. With little training -- and very little specific training -- I PRed for a sprint tri by nearly 2 minutes.

Now I need to figure out what's next. I have a 5K tomorrow and Splash & Dash on July 7, but then what? I won't be able to do an Olympic distance tri on July 17. I just haven't given myself adequate time to prepare, and while I know I can finish the distance, I also know I won't be happy doing it. I don't want to fake an Olympic, you know?

All race suggestions are welcome! Within reason... I'm not flying anywhere to race this year. :)

And then, just like that, you have one really awesome workout...

... and all is right with the world again.

I was planning to do a big group ride tonight. I've ridden with this group once, two years ago, and they are VERY aggressive. Tonight was my first free Tuesday night since April 20, and I summoned all my courage to join them.

Until I talked to M, my running and biking partner, who said that her coach (IronEx!) has her doing trainer workouts only this week, so no group ride for her. (We both are doing the same sprint tri on Saturday.) I offered to join her and asked what the workout was, and she said it was 35 minutes of biking on the trainer followed by a 1-mile run at 5K pace.

I was disappointed, as I really wanted a longer workout. I mean, that was going to be less than 45 minutes!

Well, what M failed to tell me was that it wasn't just any 35-minute bike ride. It was pure hell. All drills, tempo work, etc. And she also failed to mention that she apparently can't add. She forgot to include the recoveries!

Of course, I didn't know that until it was too late... so I got to her house early, set up my bike, set out my bike shoes like a race day scenario, and took off on a short run. 1.32 miles in 10:26 (7:55 pace). So far, so good.

And then I got on the bike and sweat more than I've ever sweat before. We were grunting, cursing, and basically dying on our bikes for 51+ minutes.

After which we still had to run a tempo mile! Which I ran in 7:16, thankyouverymuch.

And now I feel great. Relieved. Exhausted, to be sure. Confident. Vindicated, as ridiculous as that sounds. I have been beating myself up so badly for the past several weeks. To know that I'm still capable of such a great workout -- and such good paces -- despite my less than stellar training... well, it feels mighty fine.

Maybe Saturday's race won't be as disastrous as I've been fearing. Maybe it'll be OK after all.

So hard to choose...

This morning's Facebook status could have gone many ways. I had several options.

- Theia has lost her mojo. If you find it, please return it asap!
- Theia turned on the Half Ironman World Championship coverage on NBC yesterday to get inspired... but promptly fell asleep on the sofa watching it. Pathetic.
- Theia is desperate for a good night's sleep.
- Theia is a lazy POS.
- Theia is, quite frankly, filled with self-loathing.

You get the idea.

I'm so freaking tired of complaining about my insomnia and my lack of motivation and my weight and my laziness and my skipped workouts. Sick and tired of it.

Somehow, though, that's not enough to actually motivate me to do anything about it.

And that angers me even more.

Words of wisdom

Yesterday was Commencement Sunday -- three graduations in one day. One of the students who spoke at the second ceremony said this, and it moved me so much I wrote it down.

"Instead of trying to be better than the person next to you, try to be the best you."

Pretty deep for an 18 year-old, no?

I hope it inspires you as much as it inspired me.

Let's go Flyers!!

(clap clap clapclapclap)