Mike asked, I answer

Mike's comment reminded me that I never provided an eye update. Sorry!

I did call the doc last week (after much urging from my blogger friends and IRL friends). The nurse basically said if it's not impacting my vision or about to burst, just wait 'til Monday's appointment. If I needed assistance before then, go to a walk-in clinic. Okaaaaaaaaaay.

By the time Monday's appointment rolled around, there was vast improvement in the swelling situation above my eye. Even today, there's still a lump, but now it's the size of a well-used pencil eraser. Last week, it was the size of a very ripe, plump blueberry. The doc saw that there's still something there and told me to (a) leave it alone, (b) monitor it for another few weeks, (c) stop touching it already!, and (d) go to an opthamologist if it doesn't disappear on its own. The opthomologist would likely remove it (eeeeek!) and perform some plastic surgery to minimize scarring or, worse, damage to the eye itself.

So there you have it. I just wait and see. (I'm sooooooo good at that. Not.)

This profanity-laden post is not safe for work. Or kids. Or anyone.

Seriously. F bombs galore. Read at your own risk. I'm not kidding. It's not a pretty post.

You're really going through with it? You're going to read it anyway? OK, don't say I didn't warn you.

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I'm pissed. You know that post about how much better I feel about myself, how my clothes are fitting better, how I feel tighter and more toned?

It was all bullshit, apparently.

I went to the doctor yesterday (finally!) for my glute and eye. Of course, as they always do regardless of the reason for your appointment, they weighed me. I have GAINED two pounds. Fucking WHAT?

OK, so take off a few pounds for clothes, lunch, etc. Still two pounds higher than the other doctor's scale this spring (my all-time highest weight), and that was freaking appalling then. Two pounds more equals... what's worse than appalling? Atrocious? Abysmal?

Inexcusable is what it is. Totally and completely inexcusable.

Making matters worse, he said absolutely no running. How the hell am I going to lose this weight if I can't do the #1 thing that helps me lose weight?

Fuck that bitch Mother Nature and her asshole cousin Slowing Metabolism. I hate them both.

Cut me, Mick

"You gotta cut me, Mick. Cut me."

That's basically what I look like right now. OK, minus the blood and stuff. I have this... thing. I don't know what it is. It may have been a little tiny ingrown eyebrow hair or something originally, but of course I picked at it and now I've created this mass of awfulness -- ON MY FACE.

It's hard like a little pebble, right under the skin, right above my left eye. Lovely. And of course it's infected, I guess, because it's all swollen and red and irritated. And HUGE. My eye is nearly swollen shut from the weight of it.

WTF???

I'm painting a beautiful picture, aren't I?

Here's the kicker. I know I should call the doctor. The logical part of me knows that. But what if he says I can't wear any makeup? Or, even worse, can't go out in the sun this weekend??? I mean, I wait all year for summer, and then I wait all week to be able to just lay in the sun for a few hours on the weekend. It's relaxing, and I find it enjoyable. Yes, I wear sunscreen (SPF 15, even though I'm olive-complected to begin with, and 30 on my face). Yes, I have a hat to put on when I've had enough. And yes, I limit my time in the sun -- maybe only 90 minutes to two hours each day, weather permitting.

And yes, I know it's not good for me. But you know what? It's my only vice. I don't drink. I don't smoke. I'm one of the 13 people in the entire universe that's never done ANY drugs, not even a puff. I eat well, exercise regularly, maintain a healthy weight, and do all the right stuff. So if I want to get a little tan in the summer, I don't feel too badly about it.

Wait, this post was supposed to be about my hideous disfigurement! Hello, random thought process!

So anyway. Doctor or no doctor?

If you want to kick your own ass, do this workout

Oof, I'm still feeling this from Monday morning!

Tabata Interval Workout
Do 20 seconds on/10 seconds recovery x 8 for four minutes of each exercise. (So do 8 sets of heels (20 on/10 off), then 8 sets of lunges, then 8 sets of dips, etc.) Do each complete round before taking any kind of significant break for water, etc.

Round 1:
quick heels or toe taps on a step
alternating lunges onto a step
dips
Russian twist holding a medicine ball

Round 2:
burpees
squats w/ body bar over shoulders
pushups
full roll-ups holding body bar overhead with arms extended

Round 3:
jump lunges
curtsey lunges
bicep curls w/ body bar
plank

Yeeeouch! The jump lunge + curtsey lunge combo is what did me in, I think. My legs are trashed! In a good way, of course. I love that feeling of "Oh yeah, I kicked ass in that workout." Pain is sort of a weird badge of honor.

I do feel badly for the three new people who decided to take their first boot camp class that morning. They must be cursing me!

Amazing but true news! I have discovered the secret to weight loss!

And it involves two very narrow wheels!

I am pretty much not running right now. It hurts way too much and for way too long after the fact (case in point: Tuesday morning's slow-ass 3.5 mile jog caused Tuesday night's vinyasa yoga class to nearly make me scream in pain and still caused some discomfort during Wednesday morning's swim). Even though I'm not racing this year -- really, I'm not... even though I really really want to, now that I basically can't (wtf?) -- I decided I needed to haul my fat ass on my bike to at least keep my cardio conditioning relatively high. That way, if I'm ever able to run without pain again, I won't die after a mile or two.

So I've been keeping up with the biking -- the part of my sport that has become my least favorite, the part that frankly I thought I'd never do again. (Remember the hockey post? I seriously thought about selling my bike to get the money to buy all the hockey equipment I need. That's how disenchanted I'd become with cycling.)

Let's get one thing straight. I'm not spending hours and hours and miles and miles on my bike. I'm doing one short ride and one long ride per week, and by long I mean 30ish miles. Basically, the rides replaced runs in my schedule. But somehow, those rides have made the difference in how I look and feel. We threw away yet another unreliable scale this spring, so I have no idea how much I weigh right now. I was at my all-time heaviest when the scale throwing-away took place, however, and I know I'm lighter and tighter than I was then.

Best of all, I'm fitting into my size sixes again. As a curvy and muscular woman of 5'9" (sniff! already old enough to be shrinking and down an inch from my former height of 5'10"), I am thrilled to be able to squeeze into a 6!

So, the moral of the story is... get on your damn bike and ride like the wind, people! Assuming you're like me, that is, and are stuck in the eternal and frustrating cycle of never being quite satisfied with your weight.

Note to self: add a third ride each week.

It's not in my head

I have two small tears in my right leg -- one in my hamstring, toward the outside, and one in my glute.

Damn.

Life is good

The Greek Festival started today!


















Dolmades and spanakopita and baklava, oh my!

It's June already?? What?

Remember when you were younger, and it seemed like everything took forevah?? And grownups (read: OLD people) complained about how quickly time was passing?

Yeah, now I'm that old person. Awesome!

Sarcasm over. I'm having some trouble with my right leg -- unrelated to old age, thankyouverymuch. It started as a very deep, very acute pain in my glute. Like, deep deep deep in the glute, down low near where the glute and hamstring attach. I know it bothered me on that hell run Saturday, but I can't for the life of me remember when it actually started.

I didn't run again until Wednesday, and from the very first step it was there again. Every time my right leg would stride forward, whammo! Pain. All day Wednesday, I had to walk in a modified limp, as I realized that I could reduce the pain if I bent my knee less. So I was walking fairly normally with my left leg, but with my right leg almost straight at all times.

By Thursday, the pain had travelled way south to right behind my right kneecap -- that tendon that attaches the knee to the hamstring. Holy mother of........ Hurt like hell all day! In yoga, I couldn't straighten my right leg at all. Great, so Wednesday I could barely bend my knee for the pain, and Thursday I couldn't do anything BUT bend my knee.

Today is a little better... Maybe yoga helped? Also not running since Wednesday morning? So what am I going to do after work? Run, of course. Wish me luck!