I'm a bachelorette this weekend. Four days to myself. I'm invited to 2 parties tomorrow evening, but I don't really want to go to either. I had a fun time dancing with gay boys last night, but my euphoria at being out in a club quickly wore off. I had a decent 8 mile run this morning -- surprising considering my lack of sleep, lack of proper hydration and nutrition, and the oppressive humidity -- but I'm still not feeling like myself.
Life is hard. There are constant challenges to navigate, difficult decisions to make, and expectations -- your own and others' -- to live up to. Stress is taking its toll on me, and I'm not handling it well. I spent 2 hours at the pool today with tears streaming down my face. I simply could not stop them. Thankfully the pool was not crowded.
I really should use these four days to meditate, think, pray... whatever you want to call it. It's all the same. Instead, all I want to do is hole up in my house and escape from reality. Cry. Scream. Hit something. I'm tired of thinking. I was told recently that I overthink things, and I suppose that's not too far from the truth.
One of my favorite Pearl Jam songs is Hail Hail. At one point, Eddie Vedder sings, "I don't want to think. I want to feel." That's what I want too, Eddie. But how do I do it? How do I turn off my brain and all that's worrying me? I honestly don't know how.
So I'll go through the motions this weekend. I'll take Miss Shaggy to the dog park later today, and I'll make brief appearances at the parties, and I'll run Monday morning like my life depends on it.
I'll muddle through. I always do.
6 comments:
I hear you...the stress levels can get sky-high at times. Luckily for us there's the trail, the bike, the pool (well, for some of you there's the pool...). Hang in there, and you'll run like the wind on Monday! Good luck!
oh honey, I completely understand. Maria told me to write down the things that I am worried about, and decide which ones I can work on and which ones I can't. Then burn the ones I can to let them go. I don't know if that works for me (it doesn't matter if there's nothing I can do to cure my mom's cancer, but I'm still gonna worry about it), but maybe it'll help you.
The only thing I will say is try to rest and relax...don't try to escape too much in training. I worry so much that you are doing too much...you're so thin right now. Go find something that makes you happy and indulge in some way. Go take a silly book and a pint of ice cream outside and sit in the sun with Miss Shaggy.
Ooh...I should take my own advice.
(((((Hugs)))))...you know where to find me if you need me.
Stress is so unhealthy. I know there is no easy answer to any of the things that are stressing you out but maybe a professional can help you figure some of it out?
Heather, I thought of that too... until I checked with HR and discovered that I have a $50 co-pay per visit for mental health benefits. Oh well.
Hang in there Alexis! Please know you and hubby are always welcome to use the lake for a weekend (or longer). It brings us such peace and we do a happy dance when someone actually takes us up on the offer!
I think you need to give yourself more Alexis time. You devote countless hours to others in your work, in your personal life and although you always have the right thing in mind for them, you may not be applying the same goodness to yourself.
So take some time every day, maybe a minute, maybe several hours and close yourself off from the stresses around you. Maybe light a candle, do some meditation, anything to give your mind and body a break. xoxoxo
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