I may have to change the name of this blog

At first I was thinking of changing it to The Lazy Triathlete and Runner Who Signs Up for Races and Then Gets Discouraged During Training and Decides She Doesn't Actually Want to Do the Race Anymore. But I'm not really lazy as much as exhausted.

Yup, it's back. Insomnia.

Actually, that's not true either. It never really goes away. It ebbs and flows a bit, but it's always there. Lingering. Taunting me.

Most days I can handle it just fine. I've simply learned how to survive on about half the sleep a normal person gets. Some days, though, I simply cannot cope. I become overwhelmed with not only fatigue, but also hopelessness. This morning I was so exhausted I started crying. This was, of course, after I knew I couldn't possibly get a successful workout in. Yup, another skipped swim this morning.

I've decided that Ambien is simply not worth it. When I do take it, I am able to sleep... for a whopping 5 hours. Sometimes, maybe, 5 1/2 hours. And then I toss and turn the rest of the night. When I wake up (and I use the term loosely), I am so groggy and foggy I feel worse than I did before using it. So that's out.

I bought some melatonin, since it's all natural and shit. Can't hurt me, right? Yeah, well, it also can't help me, apparently, so that's out too.

I won't even go into everything else I've tried through the years. I've written about it before. Even I'm bored by this conversation at this point.

But when it starts affecting my life -- and my workouts and training -- I have to take action. So as soon as I'm done writing this, I'm calling my doctor. There has to be another alternative. The problem is, I know all he'll do is prescribe something else, and I really, really don't want a pill. :(

Wish me luck.

UPDATE:
The doctor's office called me back and referred me to a sleep clinic. Calling them now to schedule an appointment...

AND ANOTHER UPDATE:
July 11. My appointment is July 11. I guess I just suffer until then. Egad.